A friend of mine spent three years in Federal Prison for lewd acts on a gum ball machine while crossing state lines.  I had to send him things like  inconspicuous chocolate covered chinese throwing stars and a chastity belt.  Which makes me think: If I’m ever in prison, I would like for my friends to send me a soap on the rope and cloth napkin to wipe off my chin…….I mean, they’re just so practical.

I wonder, if I threw a Flash Bang Gernade at the Reverend Jesse Jackson, would it have an inverse effect as to if I threw a Flash Bang Gerande at the singer Michael Jackson?

  Studies done on lab rats suggest that a positively correlated, inverse, relationship exists between the color of one’s face and the effects of a flash bang gernade.

err, I meant caulk.  Yes indeed.  To all the boyz toting lunch pails and hard hats: “Rock out with your Caulk out!”   For it is only they who have the caulk that keeps us comming back for more.  In the words of the great Snoop Doggy Dog, “It’s the sticky icky icky”.  I salute thee, Mr. Dog, well said.

     So uh, Senor Fidel “Crack Head” Castro…He is D-U-N Done. . I’m sure we would all agree that’a a step in the right direction. But where is his protege’, little Elian Gonzalez. That skinny little turd in the inner tube.. …

     As a society we’re too nice, that’s our weakness. What we should have done, is strung him up to an oak tree by his sack, and systematically kicked him in the penis until he was blue in the face.  Kind of like, “You fuck with me, you fuck with my entire family”…I wasn’t there, but you get the picture. upon the news of castro’s resignation, cubans living in the US flocked to the streets to clelebrate.

     I saw a photo of a fella’ holding up his pointer finger in celebraton as if trying to say “we’re number one”…what, are you kidding me? what exactly are you number one of? I should have ran up to this clown and round hosue kicked him in the face. Chuck Norris would have been proud of me. Just like, what came first, the chicken or the egg? Chuck Norris. hell, Chuck Norris once did a round kick so fast that it went back in time and kicked Amelia Airheart in the face as she was trying to cross the atlantic. Unfortuantely, history tells us that she soon died after that.

Wait a tick…… Elian?  Nawwwwwwww………

Recently released statistics show that STD’s are on the rise in San Diego. There has been a, pardon the expression, rash of people flocking to local clinics with bloody outbreaks on their ass. But rest assured, a bloody “out break”,  is better than a bloody “break in” on your ass.

     For those of you that thought that the Turnip Soup Mafia (www.turnipsoup.net) was an absolute waste of time: take heed.  Last week, Turnip Soup changed my life.  They jokingly referenced an idea that has become my obsession; a fantasy that has consumed my every waking moment…Super Punani 911…just think about it…  This would make a phenomenal sport.  A violent, blood soaked sport in which only one punani, would emerge as the “Super Punani“. 

     Punani Mortal Kombat!  Two huge ol’ super fat chicks, punanis blazing out, enter the ring and fight to the death with a myriad of punani blows.  Imagine: she strikes with a punani to the left, ewww blood!  Punani to the right, gross! Hairy Punani fold!!! Punani upper cut!  Punani Fat lip!!!….    Then, the finishing move would be a Monster Punani Queef!    Hell yeah!!!!  If any fat chicks out there are interested, leave a comment and a representative from the Jerrymandering team will contact you for an interview.  Snap into a Slim Jim, IT’S PUNANI TIME!!!   (White girls with huge asses are encouraged to apply)

Last Year’s Winner!

              I like to sit down to pee.  I prefer to sit because when I poo, I grew tired of having to stand to pee.  I grew tired of having to clench my little corn hole, so I could stand up, turn around, and proceed to drain the demon. Yes, it’s definately a demon.  Okay, that’s silly,… truthfully… I sit down to pee because I like to pretend that I am a woman…a woman with a penis.  I find that intrinsically erotic.  

     Like anyone else, I like to go out to bars from time to time to find a mate.  But I only go to bars with immaculate, pearly white, porcelain toilets.  No pubes, no streak marks, just godliness.  I am willing to pay an exhorbantly high price for beer, just to enjoy a toilet I could eat off of.

     While visiting one of these fine establishments, I stepped into the potty to sit and pee upon which I found what appeared to be fresh blood, in the water, like a pint’s worth of fresh blood. 

     This would lead me to beleive that someone out there was bleeding profusely from their ass.  What the hell do you have to do to yourself inorder to bleed profusely from your little corn hole.  I mean, I’ve had the occasional specks of blood in my stools from a square turd that was forced out my round hole, but I’ve never bled anything close to a pint from my ass.  Ladies and gentlemen, this is a public service announcement: Seek immediate medical attention if you find yourself losing large amounts of blood from your ass. 

     It has come to my attention that growing up in a small one horse town isn’t conducive to developing street smarts.  You have to be from the life of hard knocks, a real “yall betta watch out, mother fuckin’ hustler from the wrong side of the tracks”.  You gotta be a ”greaser”, you can’t be “soc”(reference to “The Outsiders” by S.E. Hinton).  For those of us who didn’t have the opportunity to grow up in the hard knocks, this is how you know if your street smart:
If you’ve ever had to milk you neighbors cow, you’re definately street smart.

 If you’ve ever been shanked, you’re definately street smart.

If you’ve ever had to drink your juice in South Central Los Angeles with one hand on your peepee and the other on the steering wheel of your ‘64 Impala, you’re definately street smart. 

If you know nothing in life but to be legit and had to ask somebody to not quote you because you hadn’t said shit, you’re definately street smart. 

Lastly, if you’ve ever had to suck dick for crack, you, my friend, are street smart.  Bob Saget, undeniably, has street smarts.

(CLICK LINK TO WATCH) A day that will live in infamy: http://youtube.com/watch?v=yvXRiy2UQ-Q

SMEAC (Size  Mission Execution Administration Command) Kill!!!  Kill!!!  Kill!!!

Starbucks(ticker symbol: SBUX) is losing market share to McDonald’s (ticker symbol: MCD) as a result of Mickey Ds’ agressive maneuvering into the coffee market which was dominated by Starbucks.  Already suffering from current economic turmoil, SBUX decided to launch a counter offensive strike by offering $1 coffee and free refills in select cities during a trial period.

At the local coffee shop I frequent on most days, we were discussing how this lastest move by the Bux could potentially run all the mom and pop shops out of business.  Similar to when Block Buster arrived in new towns, they dropped their prices to $2.99 movie rentals, coupled with their large selection of just about anything you wanted to watch on VHS, they succeeded in driving the local mom and pops out of business.  Not surprisingly, after competition was eliminated, prices shot back up to $4.50.  This was still a ridiculous fee for a movie rental in 1996 even after being unadjusted for inflation.

Angered by the potential devastating effects this latest move by SBUX [the Nitch Biggers(first letters transposed)] could have on our favorite little coffee cart, the Jump Start Coffee Cart, owned by Kevin himself, we decided to write to the new, err, old CEO(he was let go and then rehired because his successor couldn’t hack it)  of the Bux with a response to whining about having to discount their drip selection to a buck (and pay foreign nationals a fair wage as mandated by the Fair Trade Agreement): 

Dear Mr. Howard Schultz,

I ran across a story on yahoo.com ( http://health.yahoo.com/experts/menlovesex/78433/what-makes-a-man-marry/ )  about 4 things that make a man want to marry.  I was amused with number 4:

Marriage Maker 4: Jekyll and Hyde                                                                                                                      …there’s something intrinsically exciting about a partner who has the ability to be a sort of chameleon - a little fun and imaginative in bed, yet charming at a family reunion…

Unfortunately, in my marraige I find it intrinsically exciting how my wife can go from completely loving to a raging, knife weilding, homicidal maniac in the blink of an eye.  It makes for a great relationship where we both have to keep each other  calm if we want to continue living and stay out of prison.  Though I miss my old cell-mate, I do not wish to ever go back to prison.